I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga) Read online

  Hey is a good thing to say to the person who recently cheated on me right? I mean, at least I’m speaking to him. Wouldn’t most girls be slashing his tires right about now?

  “You were never in love with me?” he asks. I can hear the hurt in his voice.

  I consider lying, but decide to go with the truth. Maybe because I don’t give a shit today. “No, Ty. I wasn’t.”

  “Then why did you say it?” he asks.

  Oh, so we are going to have this conversation now? “I said it because you did,” I answer. “And let’s be honest, Ty… You never loved me. If you did, you wouldn’t have cheated on me.”

  “But I still love you, Kihanna. My feelings have always been genuine. I still want there to be an us.”

  I look around the cafeteria to see that everybody is staring at us. I also see that Gabriel is on his way over to my table to intervene. I don’t want that to happen. Nobody knows that Gabriel and I slept together, and I’d really rather keep it that way.

  “Ty, no offense, but I’ve kind of had a rough weekend. Do you think maybe we could hold off this conversation?” I ask. I really want to hold it off forever, but I can tell by the look on Ty’s face that it’s not going to happen.

  How did my life change this fast?

  Last week, my life was perfect. I had a perfect boyfriend who I was about to have sex with for the first time. And now, less than a week later, I’ve had a break up with not one, but two guys… I’m still regretting the second one… I killed somebody… Oh, and my mom died. I’m pretty sure it can’t get any worse than that.

  “What’s going on?” Gabe asks Ty and me as he walks up to the table.

  Ty looks at Gabe, and then at me. “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”

  Both of them are glaring at each other like they want to fight or something.

  Oh my God. Seriously? This is how my day is going to go?

  I’ve already taken three anxiety pills today and I’m tempted to take a fourth, but I don’t want to overdose. Besides, I think they’re working. The excruciating pain in my chest is now a dull ache, and I feel sort of relaxed despite the scene taking place in front of me. But I feel weird. Like I’m here, but not really here. Maybe like I’m watching myself on TV.

  “Kihanna, are you alright?” Gabe asks me.

  Ty steps between Gabe and me. “Why are you talking to my girlfriend?”

  “I’m pretty sure she dumped you… Right after she caught you fucking another girl.”

  “Like she hasn’t been fucking you behind my back for months anyway!” Ty is yelling, and the whole cafeteria is now looking. “I see the way you look at each other. Why do you think I did it? I was just evening the score.”

  “I never touched her when you were together,” Gabe says, choosing his words carefully. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “You have before,” Ty says.

  I wonder what Ty means by that. Did Gabriel sleep with one of Ty’s girlfriends before?

  “Well, I didn’t this time.” Gabe’s face softens a little. “Come on, man. It’s in the past, and I thought we were past that.”

  “I thought we were too. But we’re obviously not.”

  “I didn’t touch Kihanna while you two were together,” Gabe says again.

  “While we were together?” Ty asks. “Does that mean you fucked her this weekend? Is that why neither of you would answer your phone at the cabin?”

  Gabe looks a little panicked, and I think maybe I should step in. But what would I say? If I said anything I would look extremely guilty. So I just sit and watch the whole thing. I take a sip of my juice.

  For some reason, I just don’t care what happens.

  It must be the medicine.

  Ty looks at me. “Did you fuck Gabe?”

  I have two options. I can say yes, and all hell will break loose, or I can lie.

  I decide to lie.

  “Yep.” And why the hell did I just say that? “But rest assured,” I look at Gabe, “that it will never happen again.”

  I look back at my food just as I hear a loud POP. I turn round to see blood trickling from Ty’s nose. Ty and Gabe start throwing punches at one another. I just roll my eyes, and start eating.

  “Kihanna, stop them,” Ariana says.

  “How?” I ask.

  “I don’t know,” she answers. “But you’re the reason they’re fighting. They’re best friends. You can’t let them do that.”

  I look back again. Toby and Emmett pulling Gabe away from Ty, and Jason and one of his friends are pulling back Ty. I step between them and they stop swinging. “Seriously, you two are both ridiculous. You’re fighting over somebody who doesn’t give a shit about either of you.”

  With that, I walk out of the cafeteria. Toby comes limping after me. He’s hurting, and he probably shouldn’t have stepped in to help with Gabe.

  “That was harsh,” he says.

  “Tell somebody who cares.” I turn to walk away again, but I am dizzy so I end up falling on my butt. I laugh.

  “How many anxiety pills have you taken today?” Toby asks.

  “Three,” I answer.

  “You’re only supposed to take one, Kihanna. It’s dangerous to take too many,” he says, running his hands through his hair. “Please be careful.”

  “It doesn’t help to just take one. The pain is still there, and it won’t go away.” I feel tears fall down my face. “I want to feel nothing.”

  “It’s not supposed to take it away. It’s just supposed to help you deal with it.” Toby sighs. “Kihanna, you weren’t the only one there that night. And I know your mom died, but I am going through this too. If you need somebody to talk to, I’m here.”

  But I can’t talk to him. I can’t talk to anybody. “I’m fine.”

  I get off the floor and walk away.

  My stomach growls, reminding me I didn’t eat lunch or breakfast.

  I walk to my locker and grab the book for my next class. On my way there, I see Gabe in the hallway. His lip is swollen, and when he sees me he looks the other way. It hurts more than I thought it would, though I guess the kind of feelings I have for him won’t just go away over night. Maybe not ever.

  I should apologize to him, but I can’t. If I apologize he will think there is still a chance for us, and there’s not. If Gabriel was able to break my heart after one week, imagine what kind of damage he could do in a month or a year. Nobody finds their true love in high school. And Gabriel definitely isn’t mine.

  When I get to class, I take a seat in the back. I open up my book so I look like I’m paying attention to the teacher. Inside the book is a photo of Gabriel and me at the cabin. We are both in the pool, and my bikini top is off. The photo had to be taken from inside the house. There is an X over Gabe’s picture. I turn over the photo, and see the note on the back.

  Unless you want Gabe to be buried eight feet under, stay away from him.

  I slam my book with the photo inside. The sound echoes through the room, and everybody turns to look at me.

  “Kihanna, is everything okay?” my teacher asks.

  I nod my head and try not to freak out.

  Whoever is leaving these notes snuck into my dad’s cabin. They also snuck into my room, they snuck into my hospital room, and they got into my locker. It has to be somebody I go to school with. They don’t let non-students or non-staff into the hallways.

  But who would do this? Who would threaten to kill Gabe?

  I take deep steady breaths trying to get my heart rate to drop, but the fear doesn’t go away. Whoever is doing this is going to great lengths to keep me away from Gabe, and I will be staying away. This person is definitely crazy enough to kill him. They’ve already killed Nicholas and tried to kill Toby. I will not let anything happen to Gabe too.

  5:17 PM

  One hour of my life wasted.

  As I lie in bed, I stare at my ceiling. I’ve been looking at the same spot for the last two hours, ever since I got home from school.
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br />   I don’t even know how to process everything that has happened. I really thought things couldn’t get worse, but they DID… Boy, did they EVER get worse. And I will do whatever it takes to protect Gabe — even if it means that I have to be cruel to him. I’d rather him hate me and be alive, than love me and be dead.

  It’s kind of crazy. This morning I went to school thinking that I hated Gabriel. Now that I can’t love him, I realize how much I really do.

  There is a knock on my door, and I look over to see my dad walk in. It’s weird to see him home this early.

  “You’re home early.” I sit up.

  “Today is your first appointment with Dr. Young,” he says.

  Oh right. I have to see a shrink for my PTSD. Of freaking course. “I forgot.”

  “I figured. So either Veronica or myself will be driving you to all your appointments.”

  Great. So now I am going to be treated like a child. “I have a car, and I am very capable of driving myself.”

  “I know,” he says. “But I want to be here for you through this. And when I can’t be, Veronica will be. Right now, you need all the support you can get. I am really worried about you.”

  And now I feel bad for snapping at him. He’s just trying to be a good parent, and here I am jumping him.

  “Also, Toby told me that you almost passed out at school.”

  I roll my eyes. “Toby is exaggerating. I tripped over my own feet. I’m clumsy.”

  “He also said you took three anxiety pills today,” Dad says.

  “I just wanted the pain to go away,” I tell him. “It helped a little, but I don’t think anything can ever make it completely disappear.”

  He sits on the bed beside me and puts his arm around me. I let him comfort me. He’s the only parent I have left, and I am not going to waste any time that I have with him… I don’t know what I would do if I lost him too.

  “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you too,” he says. “Now we need to get to your appointment.”

  I follow Dad out to his car and get in the passenger seat. On the way to the appointment, we are mostly quiet. He asks how my day was, which I reply “fine”. It’s a lie, but I really don’t even know how to categorize the day that I just had. I hope to not repeat the awfulness of it ever again.

  When we get to Dr. Young’s office, I go back by myself and my dad waits in the waiting room for me. For the first part of the session, I am rating how I am feeling on a scale from one to ten. It’s really kind of dumb. And then the doctor asks me a few questions, which I answer. He tells me that I need to get a journal and write down my feelings, and then the appointment is over. Then he goes and tells my dad the same thing he told me — about the journal. That’s it. One hour of my life wasted. On the way home, we stop and get a journal.

  I get to my room and set it down on my desk. I open it, and then close it again. How am I supposed to “write down how I feel” when I am not sure what I am feeling?

  But then I get another idea.

  I open my drawer of notes from the stalker. I tape each note inside. I write down the date and location that I got the notes. I also write down what I remember happening on those dates. I go over it, and try to see if there are clues. If I can find out who is doing this, then maybe I can stop them. But the more that I read over the notes and clues, the more frustrated I feel. There isn’t even a handwriting to go by, except on the flowers I got. But the handwriting is immaculate, and I don’t know anybody who writes that perfectly. I close the journal.

  So maybe figuring it out won’t be as easy as I thought, but I will figure it out. And when I do figure it out, I will make the person regret the fact that they messed with Kihanna Evers.

  Wednesday, December 1

  12:04 PM

  Or suffer…

  “I can’t stand her anymore!” Courtney says as she sits down beside me at the table. Ariana and Victoria aren’t with her, which is weird. They have the class right before lunch with each other and they always walk to lunch together.

  “Who?” I ask. I’m trying really hard to care about stupid stuff like high school drama. Maybe if I pretend long enough, things will go back to semi-normal.

  “Victoria,” she answers. “I swear she has something to say about everything.”

  I frown at her. “Courtney, Victoria is your best friend.”

  “Correction — she was my best friend.”

  A few seconds later, Victoria and Ariana sits down. And just like that, Courtney is all sunshine and smiles.

  “We looked for you,” Victoria tells Courtney.

  “Sorry, I had to pee,” she says sweetly. “I looked for you guys, but you weren’t around. I figured we’d just meet up here.”

  Victoria is oblivious to the fact that Courtney was just talking bad about her. Which makes me wonder if Courtney talks about me behind my back too. I know how this works. This is exactly why I didn’t have friends back in St. Louis. High school girls are all about drama. I guess it doesn’t matter what your location is… Friends will stab you in the back the second you look away. I just thought Courtney was the exception. I guess I was wrong.

  “So are you going to Emmett’s party on Friday night?” Courtney asks me.

  “Eh, no,” I answer. “I’m not really in the party mood.”

  “Which is all the more reason to come,” she says. “And Emmett throws the best parties. You can drown all your sorrow with alcohol.”

  “I’m pretty sure mixing alcohol with my anxiety pills would be disastrous,” I say, wishing that I had my anxiety pills. When we got back from the doctor, Dad took them away. Veronica is giving me one every morning before I go to school. It sucks, but it is probably for the best. I definitely have no self control.

  “More reason to do it,” she says.

  Victoria and Ariana both look at each other, and I am wondering if they’re thinking the same thing: What is wrong with Courtney? She never acts like this, and I am beginning to get a little worried. Where is the sweet friend that took me under her wings when I first moved here?

  “You know,” I say, “I’m really not that hungry. I’m going to head to class early.”

  After a quick goodbye, I get up from the table. Mostly I want to look in my locker and make sure I don’t have any more notes from my stalker. If I don’t maybe I can hide and see if anybody puts anything in there.

  When I get there, I open it up. Sitting on top of my books is an invitation to Emmett’s party on Friday. I sigh in relief when I see that there isn’t a note from my stalker, but then when I turn over the invitation there is a note on the back.

  Be at this party or suffer the consequences.

  For a moment, my heart stops and then it starts beating fast and hard against my chest.

  I put the note in my purse and shut the locker. I lean against the wall for support.

  Maybe I should tell somebody, I think. Like the POLICE. But if I do tell them, won’t they wonder why I waited so long to tell them? And somehow they could turn it back on ME… I definitely don’t want that… Besides, what if they can’t figure it out? My stalker would be pissed off and would probably do even worse stuff to me as punishment.

  No, I should definitely keep this to myself for a little longer. I need to figure this out on my own.

  Maybe the stalker is Emmett? I mean the note is on the back of HIS invitation. But then again, I’m pretty sure the stalker is smarter than that. They wouldn’t be so obvious. The stalker is obviously pretty clever. But who doesn’t like me enough to do this?

  My first thought is that it’s Jacqueline and her little friends. But the truth is, they’re not smart enough to do something like this. Plus, aside from their normal dirty looks, they really haven’t bothered me in a long time. I just don’t think it’s them.

  Other than them, I can’t think of anybody who doesn’t like me.

  “Hey,” I hear Gabe’s voice from behind me.

  My heart flutters, but this time with exciteme
nt instead of fear. I know that I’m not over him, but I can’t be with him. The whole situation just sucks. “What do you want?” I ask, trying to sound irritated.

  “I just wanted to see how you’re doing,” he says sweetly, making me feel like an ass.

  I take a deep breath, and say the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say in my entire life. “Gabriel, no offense, but you’re the last person on the planet that I want to talk to right now. Just… stay away from me.”

  I watch his expression, and I can tell that he’s really hurt. I turn and walk away. I go into the girl’s bathroom and cry. I know that I am going to make Gabriel hate me if I act like this, but if I don’t, the stalker will kill him. Pushing Gabe away is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I will do it to protect him.

  I pull out my phone to call my mom. She will know what to do. She always knows what to do. But before I hit send, I remember that she is dead. I can’t call her and ask her for advice. I am completely on my own on this one.

  I force myself to stop crying, because this isn’t what my mom wanted. She wanted me to continue living, and she would be hurt if she knew that I was letting her death affect me this much.

  So, with my head held high, I walk out of the bathroom. I will figure out who this damn stalker is, and when I find him or her they will wish that they were never born.

  5:51 PM

  I promise I won’t stab him.

  Dad and Jack Johnson are out of town on a business trip, so we are having dinner with Gabe and Libby tonight. I tried to get out of it, but Veronica wouldn’t let me. I think my dad and she are worried I’m going to do something stupid, but I’m not. I am absolutely not suicidal. I’m hurt that they even think that.

  I get into Toby’s car. (Did I mention they don’t even trust me to drive by myself?).

  “I don’t get why Veronica and Dad are being so weird,” I tell Toby as we leave our house.